Category Archives: Travel Tribulations

RULES FOR THE NOVICE SUBWAY RIDER

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My brother, Larry, and I were taking the long subway ride home to Manhattan from Queens when I realized, there should be a list of rules for novice subway riders.

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Larry and I jump on the train and, after standing for a stop or two, manage to squeeze into two seats in the middle of the car.  Immediately my eyes begin their midwestern trait of looking around.  This is not, as my brother has told me many times, a good idea.

I look directly across from me, where I discover the most impressive Dolly Parton breasts I’ve ever seen.  I stare (much longer than appropriate) at the woman’s massive cleavage and eventually raise my gaze to her, quite angry, face.

Blushing, I shift my eyes to the left, toward a young man playing an accordion.  I then break the one unwritten rule I’m aware of: Do not make eye contact.  Beads of sweat break out on my forehead as I realize he is headed my way, ready for a private serenade.

Whipping my head to the right, I focus in on a pile of filthy rags resting on a bench seat, entirely free of any passengers.  The rags are moving back and forth, rhythmically and I realize it is a man.  My eyes focus in on the Picasso-esque structure as I try to sort it out.  There’s his leg, his arm, but where’s his hand?  ACK!  I realize the rhythm of his movements coincide with an exercise my mother said was certain to make me go blind.  Involuntarily my eyes meet his and he grins.

Sweating and blushing, I scrutinize the ceiling of the train, where I read each and every advertisement, attempting to polish up my Spanish by comparing it to the English language advertisement beside it.

I breathe easier now, knowing I’ve figured out the correct subway stare.   My gaze leaps from the signage on one side of the door to the other and lands on a smile so bright I have to blink to keep from being hypnotized.

The handsome young man, who obviously stepped right out of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad, expands his smile and nods his head.  I feel like we’ve made a connection and we’re quietly laughing at all the kooky people on the subway.

At the next stop he lets go of the overhead bar and walks my way.  Mesmerized by his teeth, I flash him a smile which quickly turns into a frown as he moves one step past me, to talk to my brother, Larry.

I spend the rest of the trip staring at my shoes wondering if I’ll need to polish them before I go home, and compiling a list of rules for a novice subway rider.

Rules for the Novice Subway Rider.

  1. Step onto train and grab pole in middle of car (ignoring your OCD instinct to imagine how many other sweaty palms have been there before you.)
  2. Do not yet sit down.
  3. Quickly, without letting your gaze linger, size up the members of the group you will be riding with.
  4. Scope out the people collecting their things, making ready to leave at the next stop, then check out the people on either side of them to look for signs of Crazie.
  5. Slide into empty seat and immediately (IMMEDIATELY, I SAID) stare directly at your feet.  Avoid letting your gaze wander past the tips of your shoes.
  6. Never ride the subway sitting next to your cute brother.

And, here’s a rule that pretty much applies anywhere in life.

If you see a pile of Picasso-esque brown rags – move in the opposite direction, before you go blind.

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On the right side of this page is a picture of my new book.  Click on it, and then, maybe buy it?  I’m trying to earn enough money to taxis the next time I’m in New York.

Cow Paws Soup and Other Adventures

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I’m in the mother of all Crazie Towns – New York City.

Here’s just a few of the adventures experienced by your Mayor.

Because I am officially An Adventuress, I went on-line to find a place for us to stay in New York.  No sense paying all that money for a fancy hotel when I can rent an apartment, right?  The pictures on the internet were just a little deceiving as this is what we found instead of an historic charming brownstone.

They were half right – Brown door, no brownstone.

I’m sure this sign was supposed to make me feel better but since our house was the only one with actual trash cans in front of it…

Keep Rats Out Of Your Community!

In case you think I’m just being a snob, this was the backyard.

Feeling a little stressed, I thought I’d take a hot shower, only that didn’t work out so well.

Before I could even begin to beg Husband to take us away to a nice hotel, he said “Isn’t being An Adventurer fun?”  I bit my tongue and off we went to meet our son, Ferb at Perry Street Restaurant where he’s the general manager.  I’ve included a link to give you a clearer picture of how it happened that I left our apartment feeling over-dressed and out of place and then arrived at the fancy restaurant to discover I felt under-dressed and out of place.

We had a meal fit for a queen – or I should say An Adventuress.  I have to say, I don’t understand how rich people can eat like that and stay so damn skinny.

The next day was filled with more adventure as our son-in-law decided he wanted to drive into Manhattan.  I’d say this was a foolish choice except his other option was to leave his shiny black Prius parked on the street in front of our building next to this bike.

Poor thing’s in bicycle purgatory. Not alive, but not quite in heaven yet.

We had a wonderful time and the two of them headed back to Philly to leave us to our own devices.

What fun!  We got to ride the subway with the scary Emperor from Star Wars.

And, much like our meal at Perry Street Restaurant, we had a chance to order exotic food, like Cow Paws Soup.

Husband is now safe and sound back home, but my adventure continues as I stay on in New York until Monday where I take off for Manchester, VT and Hartford, CT.

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P.S.  Many of you have inquired as to the status of my camper adventure.  I’m sorry to report the little Aljoa is still in the hands of Anonymous Kevin somewhere near Colorado Springs, CO.  He promises a new delivery date of this Saturday.

Much like the presidential race, the residents of Crazie Town fall into two categories.  Those who are rooting for Anonymous Kevin to be the Knight In Shining Armor I believe him to be and those who feel sure Anonymous Kevin will never show up.

Stay tuned!