Current Safety Checklist for Fourth of July vs. Crazie Town’s Safety Checklist:
1. Store your fireworks safely, in a closed box, out of the reach of children, until the time they are needed. Locked away is best.
1. Store your fireworks in a highly flamable paper bag. Make certain the sack contains matches and punks for proper ignition.
2. Buy fireworks from a reputable source. Always read and follow directions on the label.
2. Go to cheapest possible firework stand in order to purchase as many off brand firecrackers as possible. Rip label from package prior to reading.
3. Use good common sense. Alcohol and fireworks do not mix.
3. Throw all caution to the wind. A couple of sips from your uncle’s beer will help loosen you up.
4. Young children under the age of 18 are never to be permitted to use fireworks!
4. Toddlers are permitted to walk around holding lit punks and light smoke bombs. 3-6 year olds are allowed packages of ladyfingers and a book of matches to light their own punks and the toddler’s, as needed. Anyone over the age of 6 is allowed free reign to discover the power of any explosive.
5. Never point or throw fireworks at another person. Remember, an adult is always to be present when fireworks are used.
5. Toss fireworks at other people, preferrable little sisters. The best time to start shooting fireworks is when your mother has gone in the house to take a nap.
6. Never light more than one item at a time.
6. Gather large quantities of firecrackers into a pile, possibly adding gasoline or some other combustable liquid to increase ignition.
7. Never experiment with your fireworks by making your own or adding anything to the manufactured ones.
7. Instruct your little sister to remove the wrapper from as many firecrackers as possible, dumping the gunpowder into a tin can. Keep a burning punk nearby for ease of use.
8. High winds will affect the quality of your display and may create a hazard.
8. Do not allow any adverse weather conditions to prevent the display from occuring. If high winds cause matches to blow out, borrow your dad’s cigar. Make certain to puff on cigar between explosions to keep it lit.
9. Never go back to see a firework once it has been lit.
9. If, after 1-2 seconds, your firecracker has not exploded, return to see what’s going on. It is impossible to see if the fuse is burning unless you squat down and observe it closely.
10. Keep audience at least 100-200 yards back from the larger displays.
10. Set up large comets, flying saucers and pinwheels within 20 yards of onlookers. This allows for audience participation as they dive behind trees and bushes to avoid flaming discs headed their way.
ENJOY YOUR FOURTH OF JULY – Safely, of course.
Sincerely,
Teresa, Mayor – Crazie Town.
CRAZIE TOWN 
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You guys all had so much fun as kids. Unfortunately, I grew up in New Jersey. I think home fireworks were already illegal then. (That was early last century, of course.) On 4th of July we got to watch the fireworks over the Hudson River – spectacular, but remote.
You have a future in tabloid journalism working for Rupert Murdoch if you can learn to hack the cell phones of firework explosion victims.
Once, my dad blew up a whole bag of fireworks during a “safe use of fireworks” demonstration. I was maybe eight years old, and still have great memories of that one.
Ohhhh, that is a good one! How sick am I that my first thought was “shoot, why couldn’t that have happened to me?” Maybe I have a future in tabloid journalism.
It’s like you attended every 4th of July of my youth! I love blowing stuff up.
I love watching stuff blow up. I want to be so close that my lawn chair rattles with each explosion!
Dear Mistress of Crazietown:
You forgot number eleven.
11. Light fuse and run.
11. Light fuse and see how long you can hold the firecracker. You can win many bets on this one.
Zane
Sir Dane,
I believe the proper way to address me would me Mayoress-tress.
As usual this one is a conundrum for me. Do you “win” if you hold it the longest and it blows up in your hand? Or do you lose your bet and along with your fingers?
Hey T,
How about sharing the rules for Sparklers?
Sparkler Rules:
1. They can only be lit with an open flame or another sparkler. Since the other children are too busy running around with their sparklers, your only option is to find an adult wiling to strike a match for you. Unfortunately, these are usually the same adults you’ve been badgering all day to give you more money to buy firecrackers so you can explode them outside the window of the room where they are taking a nap.
2. Run down your gravel driveway barefooted, waving molten hot sparklers in every direction. Preferably near one of the brothers that was tossing firecrackers at you earlier.
3. When the sparkle goes out, drop the dead sparkler where you stand. That way other people wandering around in the dark will be able to step on it with their bare feet.
How many casualties are there at Crazie Town fireworks displays?
My mother’s only advice was “Don’t hold firecrackers too long after you light them.” She didn’t say how long that was, but trial and error proved the best teacher.
LOL! I never was brave enough to hold a firecracker and light it. I tried, but I ended up tossing it before it was even lit.