Category Archives: Crazy is as Crazie Does

Amy The Dragon – Chapter Two

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If you’re following along with this silly story – click here for Chapter One.

“Darling!” Aunt Sandra screeched.  “Is it really you?  I didn’t even hear you land.” She waddled through the immaculate courtyard, adjusting her sequined turban along the way. “After all these decades, you’ve finally decided to take a trip?  Well, it’s about time is all I can say.”  She kissed the air next to Amy’s cheeks, emitting a scent of sulfur and roses. “Oh!  You’re using my bag!  Isn’t it fabulous?  I have one just like it.  Here, wait a minute and I’ll go get it.” Surprisingly spry for a thousand-year-old, she hurried into her cave, pausing every few steps to stabilize the turban.

Ignoring Aunt Sandra’s babbling, Amy trudged through the gloom and thumped her way down to the guest pit, resisting the urge to curl up on the luxuriously damp stone bed.  She gave the obnoxious Travel Diva bag a little kick and followed the sound of her aunt’s chatter to the kitchen.

“Darling! I’m just flabbergasted you’re here. But of course, so excited to see you outside of your humble abode.” Aunt Sandra retrieved the glasses hanging from a thick chain around her wrinkled neck. “Here, let me take a look at you. Oh, my.” She frowned. “Well, I see we’ve put on a little weight, haven’t we?”

A fire laden groan found its way out of Amy’s mouth and on to one of her aunt’s jewel encrusted claws.  “Oops.  Sorry.”

Aunt Sandra huffed a cloud of smoke and the two of them stood glaring at each other.

Amy’s stomach released a growl.  She looked sheepishly toward the kitchen.  “You don’t happen to have a tiny serving of your world-famous Spider Soup in there, do you?

“Darling!  Of course I do!”

Amy sprinted toward the kitchen, nearly knocking her aunt to the ground.  She wedged herself between a volcanic rock bench and a marble table, wondering again how this garish cave ever ended up on the cover of Cavern Digest. 

The minute the Spider Soup was placed before her, all judgments left her head, replaced by the earthy aroma rising from the crock.

Seeing the gusto of Amy’s hunger, Aunt Sandra looked into her cold room, hesitated and then pulled out the platter of mice meal loaf she’d planned to serve at tomorrow’s tea party.  “Why are you so famished, my dear?  Your place is barely a day’s flight from here.”

“Didn’t fly,” Amy mumbled through a mouthful of melt-in-your-mouth mouse.

“Didn’t fly?”  Did you say you didn’t fly?”

Amy nodded her mighty head.

“How on earth?  What in the world?’  Aunt Sandra sputtered.  “Amy The Dragon!  You stop eating this instant and tell me what is going on.

*The Mayor Writing – Art by Annie Raab

Just Get In The Dang Rowboat

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“Surrendering is the free-falling backwards into the unknown and trusting that The Universe will catch you.” ― Jen Sincero, You are a Badass.

This is just one of the thousands of motivational quotes I’ve been collecting lately.  In addition to reading dozens of self-help books, I’ve been Googling “How to manifest a dream,” or “How to figure out what dream to manifest,” or “Can someone tell me what to do?”

After all this in-depth research, I’ve learned I only need ask The Universe for what I want and, poof, it will arrive.

IMG_0398

Really?  It’s that easy?

I picked one colossal dream – Make Money From My Writing.

I wrote the dream down in my journal several times each day. I wrote it with a fountain pen. I will make money from my writing.  (Good karma using something beautiful.)  I wrote it with colored pens. I will make money from my writing.  (Good creativity using multi-colors.)  I posted it on my phone’s wallpaper, I WILL MAKE MONEY WRITING. (Covered in all my app tiles – maybe not such a good choice.)

I taped a note on my bathroom mirror and repeated it over and over while brushing my teeth.  “I wih make moyee from my whiting. I wih make moyee from my whiting. I wih make moyee from my whiting. ”

Then something did happen.  My brother from New York called and said, “I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell you, but ever since you helped me…”  I held my breath.  This was it.  The Universe had been listening and was ready to help me make money at my writing.  “…pick out a comfortable chair for my room, it’s changed my life.”  He went on to explain how that one change led to another change and another.  He continued.  “And the way you reorganized the kitchen, it’s amazing.  You should start a business decluttering and organizing people’s lives.”

No thank you.  I’m going to make money from my writing.

The next day I heard from a friend who wanted to thank me again for decluttering and organizing his room.  It had changed his life and he suggested I should think about starting a business doing that for people.

Nope.  I’m going to make money from my writing.

I shared with my niece about the two random calls of appreciation.  Before I could complain that The Universe was not listening to me she exclaimed, “You should totally start that business!  You are incredible at it.”

No way.  I’m going to make money from my writing.

That weekend, my sister-in-law said, “You are so good at organizing, you should start a business doing that.”

FrogHello?

Universe?

I’m free falling backwards into the unknown and trusting, but you are not delivering.

 

And then I thought of the old joke about the drowning man.

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and she is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and she is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

The stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and she is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. When he got his chance to meet God, he exclaimed, “I trusted you but you didn’t save me! Why?”

God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

What the hell.  I’m going to climb in the rowboat and see what happens.

Anyone interested in hiring The Mayor’s Decluttering, Organizing and Life Changing Corporation?

Blue Mayor

Awesome drawing by Annie Raab