LOOK (out for the) FIREWORKS!

13 Replies

Current Safety Checklist for Fourth of July vs. Crazie Town’s Safety Checklist:

1.  Store your fireworks safely, in a closed box, out of the reach of children, until the time they are needed.  Locked away is best.

1.  Store your fireworks in a highly flamable paper bag.  Make certain the sack contains matches and punks for proper ignition.

2.  Buy fireworks from a reputable source.  Always read and follow directions on the label.

2.  Go to cheapest possible firework stand in order to purchase as many off brand firecrackers as possible.  Rip label from package prior to reading.

3.  Use good common sense.  Alcohol and fireworks do not mix.

3.  Throw all caution to the wind.  A couple of sips from your uncle’s beer will help loosen you up.

4.  Young children under the age of 18 are never to be permitted to use fireworks!

4.  Toddlers are permitted to walk around holding lit punks and light smoke bombs.  3-6 year olds are allowed packages of ladyfingers and a book of matches to light their own punks and the toddler’s, as needed.  Anyone over the age of 6 is allowed free reign to discover the power of any explosive.

5.  Never point or throw fireworks at another person.  Remember, an adult is always to be present when fireworks are used.

5.  Toss fireworks at other people, preferrable little sisters.  The best time to start shooting fireworks is when your mother has gone in the house to take a nap.

6.  Never light more than one item at a time.

6.  Gather large quantities of firecrackers into a pile, possibly adding gasoline or some other combustable liquid to increase ignition.

7.  Never experiment with your fireworks by making your own or adding anything to the manufactured ones.

7.  Instruct your little sister to remove the wrapper from as many firecrackers as possible, dumping the gunpowder into a tin can.  Keep a burning punk nearby for ease of use.

8.  High winds will affect the quality of your display and may create a hazard.

8.  Do not allow any adverse weather conditions to prevent the display from occuring.  If high winds cause matches to blow out, borrow your dad’s cigar.  Make certain to puff on cigar between explosions to keep it lit.

9.  Never go back to see a firework once it has been lit.

9.  If, after 1-2 seconds, your firecracker has not exploded, return to see what’s going on.  It is impossible to see if the fuse is burning unless you squat down and observe it closely.

10.  Keep audience at least 100-200 yards back from the larger displays.

10.  Set up large comets, flying saucers and pinwheels within 20 yards of onlookers.  This allows for audience participation as they dive behind trees and bushes to avoid flaming discs headed their way.

ENJOY YOUR FOURTH OF JULY – Safely, of course.

Sincerely,

Teresa, Mayor – Crazie Town.

Tramp Stamps and Wine Spritzers

13 Replies

I might have mentioned it a time or two already, but my husband and I lend proof to the saying “Opposites Attract.”  One of the things people find confusing about us is that I’m a democrat and he’s a republican.  It’s not a huge difference except for the fact that he happens to be a Republican State Senator.

Which reminds me of another of my Foot In Mouth comments.  We were attending a republican fundraiser and once again I was nervous, so once again I chose to relax with a couple of vodka tonics. (I used to try to blame these awkward comments on the alcohol but I quit drinking and so far it hasn’t helped.)  We were standing in a crowd of people who were discussing how hard it is to find good people to run for office.

“I asked my neighbor if she’d run,” one woman said.  “But she told me she’d slept with too many men to be able to be elected.”

Laughter followed.

“Well,” I said.  “My husband will be the perfect candidate because I can assure you, he hasn’t slept with any men!”

Silence followed.

But I digress.  I was focusing on our differences.  My husband is very athletic – star of his hometown football team, award winning golfer, excellent tennis player.  The list goes on and on.  I, on the other hand, struggle to put one foot in front of the other.

As my dad said when I told him I was planning to take golf lessons, “Oh, honey, you know you’re not coordinated enough to play sports.”

In a recent discussion I discovered my husband and I both liked boating.  Great!  Waterskiing was the one sport I had managed to conquer.  Maybe, I thought, we found something we could do together.  

Unfortunately, boating to him, meant sailing.  I mean who wants all that wrestling with ropes and sails and balancing against the wind stuff, when you can sit leisurely behind the wheel of a motor boat, right?  We discussed it endlessly and finally decided to visit both marinas at the lake.

We started at the sailing club where the people were dressed in polo shirts and khaki shorts.  After their early morning sail, they came into the clubhouse for a salad and a wine spritzer.  Then we visited the ski club where beer bellies and bikinis abound.
The number of men with mullets were only slightly outnumbered by the women with tramp stamps.

Since I’m not willing to invest in a tattoo and my husband is not willing to invest in a boat, we’re still searching for our common thread.