Tag Archives: Democrat

Tramp Stamps and Wine Spritzers

I might have mentioned it a time or two already, but my husband and I lend proof to the saying “Opposites Attract.”  One of the things people find confusing about us is that I’m a democrat and he’s a republican.  It’s not a huge difference except for the fact that he happens to be a Republican State Senator.

Which reminds me of another of my Foot In Mouth comments.  We were attending a republican fundraiser and once again I was nervous, so once again I chose to relax with a couple of vodka tonics. (I used to try to blame these awkward comments on the alcohol but I quit drinking and so far it hasn’t helped.)  We were standing in a crowd of people who were discussing how hard it is to find good people to run for office.

“I asked my neighbor if she’d run,” one woman said.  “But she told me she’d slept with too many men to be able to be elected.”

Laughter followed.

“Well,” I said.  “My husband will be the perfect candidate because I can assure you, he hasn’t slept with any men!”

Silence followed.

But I digress.  I was focusing on our differences.  My husband is very athletic – star of his hometown football team, award winning golfer, excellent tennis player.  The list goes on and on.  I, on the other hand, struggle to put one foot in front of the other.

As my dad said when I told him I was planning to take golf lessons, “Oh, honey, you know you’re not coordinated enough to play sports.”

In a recent discussion I discovered my husband and I both liked boating.  Great!  Waterskiing was the one sport I had managed to conquer.  Maybe, I thought, we found something we could do together.  

Unfortunately, boating to him, meant sailing.  I mean who wants all that wrestling with ropes and sails and balancing against the wind stuff, when you can sit leisurely behind the wheel of a motor boat, right?  We discussed it endlessly and finally decided to visit both marinas at the lake.

We started at the sailing club where the people were dressed in polo shirts and khaki shorts.  After their early morning sail, they came into the clubhouse for a salad and a wine spritzer.  Then we visited the ski club where beer bellies and bikinis abound.
The number of men with mullets were only slightly outnumbered by the women with tramp stamps.

Since I’m not willing to invest in a tattoo and my husband is not willing to invest in a boat, we’re still searching for our common thread.

Old People Could Rule The World

I’m blessed (as a writer, anyway) to have a family filled with colorful characters.  My mother-in-law, Althea, is a perfect example.  We joke that she never had a thought in her head that didn’t come out of her mouth.  But, I always know where I stand with her and I love her very much.

One of my favorite stories about Althea happened on a holiday at my house. I was giving thanks for how well we all got along even though we had such a diverse group.

“We have people that are old and young, black and white.  We have democrats and republicans, gay people and straight people…”

“Wait one minute,” Althea shouted from the back of the group.

Everyone froze – except the gay couple who were inching their way toward the exit.

“I want to know which one of you is a democrat!” she demanded.

That would be me, by the way, but I have decided to stay safely in the closet.

Since then, Althea’s had a stroke and is living in an assisted living facility near us.  I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone as independent as my mother-in-law to be told when to wake up, when to eat, when to shower.

I went to visit her earlier this week and arrived at shower time.  As the nurse was undressing her, Althea asked that the nurse scratch her back.

“I’ll do it when you get in the shower.”

As Althea inched her walker from the bed toward the bathroom she asked again.  “Scratch my back?”

“When you get in the shower,” the nurse repeated.

Althea made it to the entrance of the shower and stopped.

“Scratch my back,” she demanded.

“I told you, I’d do it when you got in the shower.  Now please, just get in and sit down.”

Althea looked the nurse right in the eye and said, “I’ll get in the shower when you scratch my back.”

The two adversaries stood glaring at each other.  Finally the nurse reached out and scratched Althea’s back.

Score:    Naked Old Lady-1/Nurse-0

I’m hoping I’ll be half as strong-willed as she is when I’m 87.  How about you?