Many adventures have kept me away from my computer chair, so I’m a little rusty in the writing department. The blank screen and a smart-alecky blinking cursor are giving me the stink-eye, but I’m going to give it a try anyway.
It started when doctors discovered a lump in Husband’s prostate – which everyone assured me, “would be fine.” Everyone that is, except Murphy S Law, who knew immediately that, in fact, it would not be fine.
Shortly after bringing Husband home from his brief hospital stay, sparkly white flakes began to float down from the sky. Knowing that I’d be spending the next week hovering over Husband, I decided I could care less. I walked over to the (new to me) gas fireplace, flipped the switch and watched, fascinated, as a perfectly effortless fire roared to life.
Can I rock a look or what?
I gotta go – BAD
Soon Murphy S Law flipped his own switch and the gently floating snowflakes turn to brutal sheets of white. Still, who really cared? Okay, me, a bit. Husband’s doctor forbade him to do any lifting AT ALL, which required me to fully outfit myself against the storm in order to carve out a path so that aging dog, Lola, could make it to the back yard.
Returning from my walk on the frozen tundra, I buttoned up the house, turned off the lights and went to bed.
“Guess what?” Husband said, as I stumbled into the kitchen for my morning cup of caffeine.
“Wha?” I mumbled.
“The pipes are frozen!”
I swear I felt the brush of a giggle against my ear from Mr. Law
I called the plumber that had worked for our hated contractor, but had been one of the few subs we trusted. The plumber asked “What’s your address again?” When told, he hemmed and hawed a bit, then said “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I’ll be filing a lien against you because your contractor never paid us.”
Of. Course. They. Didn’t. – Mr. Murphy S Law’s giggle turned into a guffaw as he firmly planted himself into my life.
What were my options? I begged the plumber to come anyway. Plumber #1 arrived and said he’d never seen anything like it. I heard Mr. M S Law cackle. Plumber #1 called in Plumber #2 who thought he remembered this happening to his dad once and maybe he’d have the tool we needed.
Didn’t think this plan through
Meantime I’m carrying in buckets and buckets of snow to melt on the stove so that I can pour them in the toilet tank so that we can use it. Picture to the right is my first attempt before I, DOH, realized my gas stove worked.
Plumber #1 and #2 returned with a pair of jumper cables as long as a bus. They attached one end to the meter and the other end ran through my front door, across the living room, down the stairs and draped across my writing desk, to connect to the pipe that enters the house.
“Now we wait.” Plumber #2 said.
All the time, Murphy S Law is stretched out on my floor, filing his nails. Four hours of waiting later, Plumber #2 said he’s going to go on home, but just to keep the jumper cables plugged in and he’d be back tomorrow to pick them up.
Plumber #2 returned the next day and, surprised to find us still frozen, called in Plumber #3. He said “Sorry, can’t help you. Here’s our bill.”
By day four of hauling in snow to melt, I was getting a tiny bit cranky. I gathered up every unread book and magazine I could find and hunkered down in the worn out, over-stuffed chair in my office. After an hour or so, husband came down.
“Whatcha doin?” he asked.
“I’m in a terrible mood,” I grumbled. “Better to just leave me alone.”
“Why are you in a bad mood?” He asked with a bright smile on his face.
“Can’t you just leave me alone for a bit?” I pled. “I’m really, really cranky and, as my dad would say, ‘don’t poke the bear.'”
“But, how is my talking to you poking the bear? Just tell me why you’re so cranky and then I’ll leave.”
“For one thing, I’m SICK AND TIRED of hauling snow to flush toilets.”
“Whew,” he said. “Me too.”
Dark spots appeared before my eyes. “You?” My hands rose of their own volition toward his throat. “YOU’RE tired of me hauling snow?” I willed my hands away from him and turned them on me, literally stuffing them in my mouth.
The questioning look on Husband’s face changed to terror as he realized he had poked the bear one too many times and he quickly left the room.
The next day, the sun came out and…we still had frozen pipes. But, the day after that…we still had frozen pipes. Eventually they did thaw and we spent the rest of our record-breaking-low-temperature winter with the water running in the bathroom sink, day and night.
All this is a long, convoluted way (would the Mayor of Crazie Town do it any other way?) of saying , Citizens of Crazie Town – I’m back and thanks for sticking around!