Although I don’t do much cursing myself I am an excellent translator. For example, at my corporate job.
Big Boss might say on his way out the door, “Call that M!@#$r F!@#$%g Frank and tell him he better have the G#$ D!@* report on my desk when I get here in the morning.”
Here’s how that message gets translated by me to Frank. “Hi, Frank. Big Boss asked me to call and see how your wife is doing after her surgery. He knows you’ve been overwhelmed so said it would be okay for you to have the report to him tomorrow morning.”
Or when meeting my older brother at a new location he’s likely to say “Hey, Bonehead! How many *!@#$$%& wrong turns did you make along the way?”
Some people might be upset, but not me because I know what he’s really saying is, “I’m so glad to see you. I was afraid you got lost.”
Personally though, I just can’t seem to curse. I even have trouble writing about cursing. I’m working on a novel and the main character has had a horrendous day. Problem on top of problem comes her way and her life is a mess. She’s been at the emergency room dealing with a sick relative. She leaves the hospital late at night. It’s been snowing all day and she has trouble finding her car. She’s digging around in the glovebox searching for a scraper because her windshield is covered in ice. What dialog did I write for her? “Where’s that darn scraper?”
Fortunately, I am a member of an amazing critique group and they offered up all kinds of alternatives for darn, like “Where’s the god-damned scraper?” And, “Where’s the mother-fucking scraper?” Or, “Where’s the god-damned mother-fucking scraper?”
I’m not sure I’ll be able to take that big of leap onto the cursing train, but I’m willing to give it a try. Do you think “fiddlesticks” is too strong of a word?
This post made me giggle!
Glad to be of assistance. Thanks for posting!
Awe…that cracked me up. My sister was the same way when she crossed over to the dark side and her cursing was all wrong at first. She would use words that meant the same thing on top of one another etc. 🙂
Your post made me smile. Bob, from my critique group, suggested I wear my bangs sticking straight up, then I might be able to catch a few of the innuendos that go over my head.
Curse if you want but I will never understand why people have to use God’s name in their vulgarity.
Excuse me, but I think it’s only using God’s name “in their vulgarity” when they use “god” with a capital “G” not the small “g.” My mother, who was a very devote Christian taught me never to say the word because people could not differentiate between “God” and “god” in the spoken word and to always spell in it “goddam or goddamned” to avoid using His name in vain.
I have never heard Crazie swear in all the years I’ve known her.
Bob, you seem like a learned gentleman. You should be able to answer this question: is “f*ck” a noun or a verb? I need to know this because I’m writing an email to my own critique group, and they will criticize me if I use it incorrectly.
Dear Junk Dog,
You have asked an excellent question. I believe adding the asterisk makes it bi-gramatical – that is to say, either a noun or verb.
Well, shit, Bob. I appreciate the support!
Finally, a chance to comment. I think the blog is acting crazie.
My heart burst with pride at the sight of those filthy words on the blog. I mean, does anyone realize how hard that was for you and your fingers to type those obscene words? I doubt it. Did you have a nip before you typed this piece.
Sounds like a lovely group of people you have to support you in your efforts to let go and let fly. They must really, really love you.
Although I am not above cursing, I find I cannot really write streaming paragraphs of vulgarities. I usually settle for a “shit” or “damnation”. Good thing the critique group has your back – my 2 sons also might be able to help you out. I don’t believe either can utter a phrase, even, without cursing.
Thanks K8edid. Not sure where my prudishness comes from but can’t seem to break out. At this late stage in the game, I guess I’m stuck as Goody Two-Shoes.
There is a website that will translate “I appreciate your criticism” to “F*ck Y*u!!” It will also go in reverse, but it doesn’t understand the asterisk. For your convenience, here is the link: http://www.kerryhubbard.com
Since I was once informed by the telephone repair crew that worked for me that I had a mouth like a drunken sailor, I offer my services should you need them. I can also curse in other languages as well should you need those. (Although I can’t imagine why.) My favorite is a Japanese curse which I have seen translated as:
May you strike your head on a corner of tofu and die.
You make a good point. Although I don’t curse – I’m not above laying a curse upon someone. Hmmm, I’ve gotta do some research now!