Tag Archives: Family

Old People Could Rule The World

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I’m blessed (as a writer, anyway) to have a family filled with colorful characters.  My mother-in-law, Althea, is a perfect example.  We joke that she never had a thought in her head that didn’t come out of her mouth.  But, I always know where I stand with her and I love her very much.

One of my favorite stories about Althea happened on a holiday at my house. I was giving thanks for how well we all got along even though we had such a diverse group.

“We have people that are old and young, black and white.  We have democrats and republicans, gay people and straight people…”

“Wait one minute,” Althea shouted from the back of the group.

Everyone froze – except the gay couple who were inching their way toward the exit.

“I want to know which one of you is a democrat!” she demanded.

That would be me, by the way, but I have decided to stay safely in the closet.

Since then, Althea’s had a stroke and is living in an assisted living facility near us.  I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone as independent as my mother-in-law to be told when to wake up, when to eat, when to shower.

I went to visit her earlier this week and arrived at shower time.  As the nurse was undressing her, Althea asked that the nurse scratch her back.

“I’ll do it when you get in the shower.”

As Althea inched her walker from the bed toward the bathroom she asked again.  “Scratch my back?”

“When you get in the shower,” the nurse repeated.

Althea made it to the entrance of the shower and stopped.

“Scratch my back,” she demanded.

“I told you, I’d do it when you got in the shower.  Now please, just get in and sit down.”

Althea looked the nurse right in the eye and said, “I’ll get in the shower when you scratch my back.”

The two adversaries stood glaring at each other.  Finally the nurse reached out and scratched Althea’s back.

Score:    Naked Old Lady-1/Nurse-0

I’m hoping I’ll be half as strong-willed as she is when I’m 87.  How about you?

We Only Got The Yeller

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My husband and I recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. For most people our age, that’s a tiny number but, for me it’s a milestone. As my father so eloquently put it on my first anniversary, “You’ve never stuck with anything that long before. Great job!”

I like to remember our wedding day filled with love, beauty and perfection. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite go that way.

Ten minutes before the ceremony I contracted a severe case of cold feet. Maybe I’d seen too many Lifetime movies where the loving husband changed into a maniac after she married him. Whatever the cause, I made up my mind that the man I planned to marry was a complete stranger, so I did what any mature woman would do — locked myself in the bathroom. It was only for a few minutes, and I never told my husband about it. Of course, one of my loud-mouthed brothers gleefully spilled the beans last year.

After the ceremony we all sat down to beautiful arranged tables covered in antique linen tablecloths and crystal glasses. My teenage son stood up to give his toast and, as he’d seen everyone else do, picked up his knife to tap it against the side of his glass to get the crowd’s attention. Unfortunately he was a bit overzealous and the glass broke, spewing red wine all over his new step-sister. I’m sure they’ll make up soon.

We had the wedding at a tiny B&B out in the country that had just opened. In fact, we were their first event. The owners told me they didn’t drink but wouldn’t have a problem serving if I would provide the wine, which I did. As they were moving around the table pouring red wine in everyone’s glass, I overheard one of my brothers ask for white.

“Sorry,” the owner said. “But all we got is red and yeller.”

That’s it. No more problems. Everything else was perfect. Oh yea, except when we arrived at our hotel at 2 am we were given the keys to our suite which, upon opening the door and carrying me across the threshold, we discovered was a conference room. And the honeymoon was at a lovely mid-priced all-inclusive resort in Mexico. Unfortunately we arrived in time for Spring Break which included at no extra charge, blaring rock music and drunken students vomiting in the hallways.

Ah yes, I remember it all clearly now.