Category Archives: Uncategorized

Translating S!@T

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Although I don’t do much cursing myself I am an excellent translator.  For example, at my corporate job.

Big Boss might say on his way out the door, “Call that M!@#$r F!@#$%g Frank and tell him he better have the G#$ D!@* report on my desk when I get here in the morning.”

Here’s how that message gets translated by me to Frank.  “Hi, Frank.  Big Boss asked me to call and see how your wife is doing after her surgery.  He knows you’ve been overwhelmed so said it would be okay for you to have the report to him tomorrow morning.”

Or when meeting my older brother at a new location he’s likely to say “Hey, Bonehead!  How many  *!@#$$%& wrong turns did you make along the way?”

Some people might be upset, but not me because I know what he’s really saying is,  “I’m so glad to see you.  I was afraid you got lost.”

Personally though, I just can’t seem to curse.  I even have trouble writing about cursing.  I’m working on a novel and the main character has had a horrendous day.   Problem on top of problem comes her way and her life is a mess.  She’s been at the emergency room dealing with a sick relative.  She leaves the hospital late at night.  It’s been snowing all day and she has trouble finding her car.  She’s digging around in the glovebox searching for a scraper because her windshield is covered in ice.  What dialog did I write for her?  “Where’s that darn scraper?”

Fortunately, I am a member of an amazing critique group and they offered up all kinds of alternatives for darn, like “Where’s the god-damned scraper?”  And, “Where’s the mother-fucking scraper?”  Or, “Where’s the god-damned mother-fucking scraper?”

I’m not sure I’ll be able to take that big of leap onto the cursing train, but I’m willing to give it a try.  Do you think “fiddlesticks” is too strong of a word?

 

 

 

 

Neckties, Nausea or Nudists

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I have had some wonderful travel experience over the years, but who wants to hear about those?  So, here’s a few of my most memorable for the wrong reasons.

Neckties:  I had the opportunity to travel with my husband on a business trip to Taiwan. Every day we walked 10 yards from the hotel to a waiting bus, then 10 yards from the bus to a  government building and returned late at night to be escorted the 10 yards from the bus to the hotel.    I was never sure if we were guests or prisoners.  I hear it is a beautiful country and, hey, I’ll never forget those great bus drivers.

Nausea:  We took a cruise once to…Good Lord I don’t even know where we went because I spent the entire cruise inside our cabin puking my guts out.

“Whoa!  Did you feel that?” I grabbed my husband’s arm as my knees buckled.

Things went downhill quickly after that.  Yes, I did take Dramamine but, being the delicate flower that I am, I contracted a rare side effect of diplopia so even when I was able to stand up I got nauseous from double vision.

There’s a reason God placed me smack dab in the middle of a giant continent.  I plan to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground from now on, thank you very much.

Nudists:  After the all-inclusive cruise didn’t work out we tried the all-inclusive resort.  We traveled to Jamaica where our hotel’s front desk clerk informed us we’d be staying on the clothing-optional side of the resort.  No problem for someone as flexible as me, right?  Okay, I did stop and pick up a dozen towels along the way to our room.  No way was I going to sit on any of that furniture.  Who knows how many bare butts had been there first!

They showed us to our room and I stepped out on the balcony.  There was a beautiful view of the beach, which was covered in naked people of all shapes and sizes.  At that very moment the heavens opened up and it began to rain – which caused all the naked people of every shape and size – to run for their rooms.

There were body parts jumping and bumping in every direction.  “Ack!  My eyes!  My eyes!” I screamed.

I fell back on the couch which I had not yet draped in towels.  I leapt up and ran to the bathroom to scrub myself from head to toe.

I’ll bet you wish you could travel with me sometime, right?