Category Archives: Husband – I love my husband, but…

We Only Got The Yeller

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My husband and I recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. For most people our age, that’s a tiny number but, for me it’s a milestone. As my father so eloquently put it on my first anniversary, “You’ve never stuck with anything that long before. Great job!”

I like to remember our wedding day filled with love, beauty and perfection. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite go that way.

Ten minutes before the ceremony I contracted a severe case of cold feet. Maybe I’d seen too many Lifetime movies where the loving husband changed into a maniac after she married him. Whatever the cause, I made up my mind that the man I planned to marry was a complete stranger, so I did what any mature woman would do — locked myself in the bathroom. It was only for a few minutes, and I never told my husband about it. Of course, one of my loud-mouthed brothers gleefully spilled the beans last year.

After the ceremony we all sat down to beautiful arranged tables covered in antique linen tablecloths and crystal glasses. My teenage son stood up to give his toast and, as he’d seen everyone else do, picked up his knife to tap it against the side of his glass to get the crowd’s attention. Unfortunately he was a bit overzealous and the glass broke, spewing red wine all over his new step-sister. I’m sure they’ll make up soon.

We had the wedding at a tiny B&B out in the country that had just opened. In fact, we were their first event. The owners told me they didn’t drink but wouldn’t have a problem serving if I would provide the wine, which I did. As they were moving around the table pouring red wine in everyone’s glass, I overheard one of my brothers ask for white.

“Sorry,” the owner said. “But all we got is red and yeller.”

That’s it. No more problems. Everything else was perfect. Oh yea, except when we arrived at our hotel at 2 am we were given the keys to our suite which, upon opening the door and carrying me across the threshold, we discovered was a conference room. And the honeymoon was at a lovely mid-priced all-inclusive resort in Mexico. Unfortunately we arrived in time for Spring Break which included at no extra charge, blaring rock music and drunken students vomiting in the hallways.

Ah yes, I remember it all clearly now.

Karma’s a Bitch, Man

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All I did was kill a few cockroaches and now look what’s happened.

Last week my husband and I rented a condo on the beach in North Carolina. I picked it off the internet so was pleasantly surprised to walk in and see it was very similar to the pictures. Garage on the first floor, living room/kitchen on the next and finally, the bedroom at the top of a winding flight of stairs. There was even, as advertised, an ocean view. Okay, you had to lean over the deck railing to see it, but hey, it was there.

Unfortunately we came home that evening to find giant cockroaches swarming our food in the kitchen. I’m talking GIANT cockroaches. You learn a lot about a person when there’s an emergency. For example, my big strong handsome husband? Scared of cockroaches. I ran upstairs and jumped on the bed — where every woman knows, no pest can reach you, right? I dialed the landlord and through my chattering teeth told them the problem. They explained (quite haughtily I might add) that the bugs were Palmetto bugs. And even though they were harmless water bugs, they would be by in the morning to exterminate.

People who know me, know that I don’t like chemicals. I only eat organic food. I don’t allow pressure treated wood to be used in my house. I even apologized to my trees when the electrical company came by to trim them. But, GIANT cockroaches? Bring on the weapons of mass destruction, baby. I wanted them obliterated!

The next day few days were miserable as the poisoned bugs wandered aimlessly around the condo before flipping onto their backs and crossing their six legs, looking for all the world like a corpse in a casket. All my time inside was spent cowering in the middle of the bed on the top floor of the condo. Payback, right?

Not quite. We made it home without incident and being an avid gardener, the first thing I did was to run out and check my beautiful organic vegetable garden. Somehow, something (giant cockroaches?) had torn/chewed/blown a hole in the netting surrounding my precious greens. So, instead of seeing row upon row of green leafy lettuces, there was only bare ground. My entire crop had been obliterated!

Like I said, Karma’s a Bitch, Man.