Tag Archives: Embarrassing

Why I Oughta…

11 Replies

They only do these kinds of things because they love me, right?

Have you noticed that day three of any trip is when people wake up with a case of the crankies?  Our big obnoxious Catholic family is no exception.

I whine, “I wanted my egg ON TOP of my french toast,”  at my brother who is kind enough to cook breakfast-to-order for all sixteen of us each morning.

My sister is out of sorts because her towels are missing and she’s certain one of us is hiding them from her.  And, yet, when she tries to make me feel better because I’m missing my kids, I snap, “Can’t you just let me feel bad?”

My older brother is out of sorts because we’re all at the beach already and he can’t find us.  “You’re directions suck!” he says.  I lay the phone down and make him wait for five minutes while I slowly locate his son who knows how to talk “man” directions.

My younger brother is out of sorts because he wants us to play by the rules of the games and the rest of us want to make them up.  “You know, Anne Lamott has this great saying – W.A.I.T. = Why Am I Talking?” I say to him not realizing that I’m the one who should be taking the advice.

And yet, here we all are, a few hours later crammed around a dinner table eating mounds of spaghetti, laughing and telling goofy stories about ourselves.

We’re like a reality show for the bipolar set.  We wonder why in the hell we ever decided to plan a vacation together and in the next moment say, “You know, next time we should try upstate New York.”

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering what it is about my sister, brothers and I that make us stick together when other families grow apart.  After all we’ve had disasters that would have blown most families sky high – deaths, tragedies, more deaths – and it only seems to draw us closer.  Personally, I think we’re all survivors of PTSD, but I’m not actually a doctor so I can’t be sure.

I have to go now because even though I got so mad at everyone for not guessing my Catch Phrase word last night I didn’t talk for thirty minutes, a new game is starting and I don’t want to miss it.

 

 

Continuation of a Mid-Life Crisis

8 Replies

I woke up one day and none of the clothes in my closet were mine.  I’m not making this up.

Okay, maybe I am, but that’s the way it felt.  I tried on 90% of my closet, and nothing seemed to fit – neither my body or my personality.

Over the next several days I bought and returned dozens of items.  A geometric print maxi-dress seemed fine in the store.  Maybe a bit “young” for me, but I was sure I could still pull it off.  And then I got it home, where I realized that, NO, I couldn’t pull it off and back to the store it went.

I’ve done this time and time again.  I’m in some sort of Limbo (the Catholic kind, not the game) where I’m too old for average women clothes and too young for old women clothes.

Last week, I hit bottom.  I gathered all my strength and walked into what I’ve always considered The Old Woman Clothing Store.  As I flipped through the racks of shapeless dresses and baggy capris, I had a running conversation with myself.

“I’m too young to wear these clothes!”

“No you’re not.  Look around at the other women here.  They’re not much older than you.”

“I don’t belong here”

“You do belong here.”

“I DON’T!”
“You Do!”
“Fine! I’ll try something on!!!”

I picked several items off the racks and trudged to the dressing room.  Just as I was stepping into my first outfit, hoping to god I wouldn’t look in the mirror and see my grandmother, I overheard this conversation in the store, right outside my dressing room door.

Salesclerk:  “Here we go.  I’ve put you in the largest dressing room  – where they’ll be plenty of room for your walker.”

Customer:  “Why, thank you dear.”

I ran out of that store so quickly I almost broke a hip.
————

Bonus Blog Post

While I was working on the blog post above, this email conversation occurred with one of my brothers. Caution – I’m leaving in the strong language.  I know, can you believe it?

Mike:  So FYI, I am officially a middle aged woman trapped in a man’s body.  In addition to frozen shoulder, it appears I now have varicose veins.  I found two cysts in my calf this weekend and went to get them checked.  The doctor is 99% sure that’s what it is.  I have to get a sonogram to confirm. Did mom have that?  Fuck!  Getting old sucks!

Teresa:  Well, yes she did, as do I.  But I didn’t think it was worth a dr. appt.  What will they do about them?  Are they dangerous or something?  FUCK YES, I hate getting old.

Mike:  He did not seemed concerned at all and what I can find online seems to say the same thing.  I think there are some cosmetic procedures to make them look better, but I will probably pass because looking good in heels is down on my list of worries.

————–

Enjoy your Fourth of July.  Here are the Crazie Town safety rules from last year, just in case you need them.