Zero to Furious in 1.2 Seconds

My husband and I spend most of our marriage trying to understand each other.  He doesn’t blink an eye spending thousands of dollars repairing the foundation of our home but if it were up to him, we’d never buy a new piece of furniture.  I, on the other hand, would be happy to live in a crooked house as long as the decor looked like it could be photographed for a design magazine.

One of the first things that we had trouble with was the “Next Tuesday” appointments.  I’ve done a lot of surveying and there are definitely two camps on this subject.  My husband is in the camp that Next Tuesday refers to the next one that’s coming up, ergo – Next Tuesday.  To me, Next Tuesday means next week because obviously, the Tuesday after This Tuesday would be NextTuesday.  You’d be surprised how many arguments can be wrung out of this (well, if you’re in a relationship, maybe you wouldn’t be surprised.)

Another thing we have trouble with is the light situation.  I prefer to leave the light on in a room if I know that I will be returning shortly.  My husband is of the theory that all lights must be off the instant you leave a room.  We also spend an inordinate amount of time discussing the pros and cons of this.

The one thing we disagree on, yet don’t argue about, is cleaning house.  I’ve admitted here before that I will happily leave the dust bunnies piling up while I busily color code my closet, something my husband cannot understand.  But, to his credit, he never mentions the level of dirt we live in.

Last Friday, as I took my last pair of clean socks from my well-organized drawer I had to admit that it was time to do laundry and maybe clean the house too.  Have I made it clear?  I don’t like to do laundry or clean house.  So I was a little bit cranky already.

I sorted the half-ton of laundry and as I walked by my husband with the first load in my hands, he looked up hopefully.

“What are you doing today?” he asked.

“I’m going to wash some clothes,” I growled.

“That seems an odd thing to do,” he replied.

What the?  I went from zero to furious in 1.2 seconds.  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, dropping the laundry basket on the floor.  “Are you saying I don’t do the laundry enough?”  By now I have one hand on my hip and the one pointing a finger dangerously close to his face.  “Maybe I just won’t do the laundry.  What do you think of that?”

“Oh,” he said.  “Wash some clothes.  I thought you said you were going to watch some crows.”

I couldn’t argue with him  — that would be an odd thing to do.

Old People Could Rule The World

I’m blessed (as a writer, anyway) to have a family filled with colorful characters.  My mother-in-law, Althea, is a perfect example.  We joke that she never had a thought in her head that didn’t come out of her mouth.  But, I always know where I stand with her and I love her very much.

One of my favorite stories about Althea happened on a holiday at my house. I was giving thanks for how well we all got along even though we had such a diverse group.

“We have people that are old and young, black and white.  We have democrats and republicans, gay people and straight people…”

“Wait one minute,” Althea shouted from the back of the group.

Everyone froze – except the gay couple who were inching their way toward the exit.

“I want to know which one of you is a democrat!” she demanded.

That would be me, by the way, but I have decided to stay safely in the closet.

Since then, Althea’s had a stroke and is living in an assisted living facility near us.  I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone as independent as my mother-in-law to be told when to wake up, when to eat, when to shower.

I went to visit her earlier this week and arrived at shower time.  As the nurse was undressing her, Althea asked that the nurse scratch her back.

“I’ll do it when you get in the shower.”

As Althea inched her walker from the bed toward the bathroom she asked again.  “Scratch my back?”

“When you get in the shower,” the nurse repeated.

Althea made it to the entrance of the shower and stopped.

“Scratch my back,” she demanded.

“I told you, I’d do it when you got in the shower.  Now please, just get in and sit down.”

Althea looked the nurse right in the eye and said, “I’ll get in the shower when you scratch my back.”

The two adversaries stood glaring at each other.  Finally the nurse reached out and scratched Althea’s back.

Score:    Naked Old Lady-1/Nurse-0

I’m hoping I’ll be half as strong-willed as she is when I’m 87.  How about you?