Current Safety Checklist for Fourth of July vs. Crazie Town’s Safety Checklist:

1.  Store your fireworks safely, in a closed box, out of the reach of children, until the time they are needed.  Locked away is best.

1.  Store your fireworks in a highly flamable paper bag.  Make certain the sack contains matches and punks for proper ignition.

2.  Buy fireworks from a reputable source.  Always read and follow directions on the label.

2.  Go to cheapest possible firework stand in order to purchase as many off brand firecrackers as possible.  Rip label from package prior to reading.

3.  Use good common sense.  Alcohol and fireworks do not mix.

3.  Throw all caution to the wind.  A couple of sips from your uncle’s beer will help loosen you up.

4.  Young children under the age of 18 are never to be permitted to use fireworks!

4.  Toddlers are permitted to walk around holding lit punks and light smoke bombs.  3-6 year olds are allowed packages of ladyfingers and a book of matches to light their own punks and the toddler’s, as needed.  Anyone over the age of 6 is allowed free reign to discover the power of any explosive.

5.  Never point or throw fireworks at another person.  Remember, an adult is always to be present when fireworks are used.

5.  Toss fireworks at other people, preferrable little sisters.  The best time to start shooting fireworks is when your mother has gone in the house to take a nap.

6.  Never light more than one item at a time.

6.  Gather large quantities of firecrackers into a pile, possibly adding gasoline or some other combustable liquid to increase ignition.

7.  Never experiment with your fireworks by making your own or adding anything to the manufactured ones.

7.  Instruct your little sister to remove the wrapper from as many firecrackers as possible, dumping the gunpowder into a tin can.  Keep a burning punk nearby for ease of use.

8.  High winds will affect the quality of your display and may create a hazard.

8.  Do not allow any adverse weather conditions to prevent the display from occuring.  If high winds cause matches to blow out, borrow your dad’s cigar.  Make certain to puff on cigar between explosions to keep it lit.

9.  Never go back to see a firework once it has been lit.

9.  If, after 1-2 seconds, your firecracker has not exploded, return to see what’s going on.  It is impossible to see if the fuse is burning unless you squat down and observe it closely.

10.  Keep audience at least 100-200 yards back from the larger displays.

10.  Set up large comets, flying saucers and pinwheels within 20 yards of onlookers.  This allows for audience participation as they dive behind trees and bushes to avoid flaming discs headed their way.

ENJOY YOUR FOURTH OF JULY – Safely, of course.

Sincerely,

Teresa, Mayor – Crazie Town.