Category Archives: Sibling Stories or How To Get Even

LOOK (out for the) FIREWORKS!

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Current Safety Checklist for Fourth of July vs. Crazie Town’s Safety Checklist:

1.  Store your fireworks safely, in a closed box, out of the reach of children, until the time they are needed.  Locked away is best.

1.  Store your fireworks in a highly flamable paper bag.  Make certain the sack contains matches and punks for proper ignition.

2.  Buy fireworks from a reputable source.  Always read and follow directions on the label.

2.  Go to cheapest possible firework stand in order to purchase as many off brand firecrackers as possible.  Rip label from package prior to reading.

3.  Use good common sense.  Alcohol and fireworks do not mix.

3.  Throw all caution to the wind.  A couple of sips from your uncle’s beer will help loosen you up.

4.  Young children under the age of 18 are never to be permitted to use fireworks!

4.  Toddlers are permitted to walk around holding lit punks and light smoke bombs.  3-6 year olds are allowed packages of ladyfingers and a book of matches to light their own punks and the toddler’s, as needed.  Anyone over the age of 6 is allowed free reign to discover the power of any explosive.

5.  Never point or throw fireworks at another person.  Remember, an adult is always to be present when fireworks are used.

5.  Toss fireworks at other people, preferrable little sisters.  The best time to start shooting fireworks is when your mother has gone in the house to take a nap.

6.  Never light more than one item at a time.

6.  Gather large quantities of firecrackers into a pile, possibly adding gasoline or some other combustable liquid to increase ignition.

7.  Never experiment with your fireworks by making your own or adding anything to the manufactured ones.

7.  Instruct your little sister to remove the wrapper from as many firecrackers as possible, dumping the gunpowder into a tin can.  Keep a burning punk nearby for ease of use.

8.  High winds will affect the quality of your display and may create a hazard.

8.  Do not allow any adverse weather conditions to prevent the display from occuring.  If high winds cause matches to blow out, borrow your dad’s cigar.  Make certain to puff on cigar between explosions to keep it lit.

9.  Never go back to see a firework once it has been lit.

9.  If, after 1-2 seconds, your firecracker has not exploded, return to see what’s going on.  It is impossible to see if the fuse is burning unless you squat down and observe it closely.

10.  Keep audience at least 100-200 yards back from the larger displays.

10.  Set up large comets, flying saucers and pinwheels within 20 yards of onlookers.  This allows for audience participation as they dive behind trees and bushes to avoid flaming discs headed their way.

ENJOY YOUR FOURTH OF JULY – Safely, of course.

Sincerely,

Teresa, Mayor – Crazie Town.

Missed Manners

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I found this note, in my mother’s handwriting, as I was digging through a box that belonged to my grandmother. I swear, that woman can still make me feel guilty.

My grandmother, “Don’t you dare call me Grandma,” Nellie, had one goal in life — to teach her wild grandchildren to have good manners. As a child, I sat through hours of angst-ridden instructions on the proper handling of silverware and napkins. A lesson on how to hold your glass properly so as not to end up with a milk mustache seemed particularly useless. My only concern at home on the farm with my sister and brothers was how to obtain the actual milk before they did.

One Thanksgiving dinner Grandmother Nellie assigned me the chair to her right to “control Teresa’s fidgeting,” as she said. She spent the meal correcting my every move. “Pass the food from left to right. Don’t gulp your water, sip it. Quit fidgeting!” Toward the end of the meal she whispered between gritted teeth, “Get your elbows off the table..now!”

I yanked my arms away and slid my elbows through the slats in the back of the chair, where they promptly got stuck. I sat quietly through the rest of the meal. My arms were tucked tight against my sides, my elbows held firmly from behind by the hateful chair slats. I politely declined any extra food offered to me and although Grandmother expressed her unhappiness at the food left on my plate, she did praise me for sitting so upright and proper.

People began to notice something was wrong when I left the dessert, angel food cake (my favorite) untouched on my plate. Grandmother immediately demanded that I remove my elbows from the chair but I could not get them free. I’m not sure when the tears started, probably when my older brother suggested we cut off my arms.

Disgusted with the entire scene, Grandmother marched into her bedroom and returned with her face cream. She slathered up each of my elbows and they finally slid free. She hurried to the kitchen and returned with a soft dishtowel. Grandmother knelt down and murmured, “Oh dear, I hope there’s no damage,” as she gently wiped the greasy face cream from the slats of her chair.

Thanks to Grandmother Nellie, I am comfortable at any formal gathering. I know how to use the proper fork and which direction to pass the food. I can even drink a foamy latte without getting a milk mustache. And my elbows? They’re right where they belong. Safely resting on the table.