Category Archives: Husband – I love my husband, but…

Tramp Stamps and Wine Spritzers

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I might have mentioned it a time or two already, but my husband and I lend proof to the saying “Opposites Attract.”  One of the things people find confusing about us is that I’m a democrat and he’s a republican.  It’s not a huge difference except for the fact that he happens to be a Republican State Senator.

Which reminds me of another of my Foot In Mouth comments.  We were attending a republican fundraiser and once again I was nervous, so once again I chose to relax with a couple of vodka tonics. (I used to try to blame these awkward comments on the alcohol but I quit drinking and so far it hasn’t helped.)  We were standing in a crowd of people who were discussing how hard it is to find good people to run for office.

“I asked my neighbor if she’d run,” one woman said.  “But she told me she’d slept with too many men to be able to be elected.”

Laughter followed.

“Well,” I said.  “My husband will be the perfect candidate because I can assure you, he hasn’t slept with any men!”

Silence followed.

But I digress.  I was focusing on our differences.  My husband is very athletic – star of his hometown football team, award winning golfer, excellent tennis player.  The list goes on and on.  I, on the other hand, struggle to put one foot in front of the other.

As my dad said when I told him I was planning to take golf lessons, “Oh, honey, you know you’re not coordinated enough to play sports.”

In a recent discussion I discovered my husband and I both liked boating.  Great!  Waterskiing was the one sport I had managed to conquer.  Maybe, I thought, we found something we could do together.  

Unfortunately, boating to him, meant sailing.  I mean who wants all that wrestling with ropes and sails and balancing against the wind stuff, when you can sit leisurely behind the wheel of a motor boat, right?  We discussed it endlessly and finally decided to visit both marinas at the lake.

We started at the sailing club where the people were dressed in polo shirts and khaki shorts.  After their early morning sail, they came into the clubhouse for a salad and a wine spritzer.  Then we visited the ski club where beer bellies and bikinis abound.
The number of men with mullets were only slightly outnumbered by the women with tramp stamps.

Since I’m not willing to invest in a tattoo and my husband is not willing to invest in a boat, we’re still searching for our common thread.

Zero to Furious in 1.2 Seconds

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My husband and I spend most of our marriage trying to understand each other.  He doesn’t blink an eye spending thousands of dollars repairing the foundation of our home but if it were up to him, we’d never buy a new piece of furniture.  I, on the other hand, would be happy to live in a crooked house as long as the decor looked like it could be photographed for a design magazine.

One of the first things that we had trouble with was the “Next Tuesday” appointments.  I’ve done a lot of surveying and there are definitely two camps on this subject.  My husband is in the camp that Next Tuesday refers to the next one that’s coming up, ergo – Next Tuesday.  To me, Next Tuesday means next week because obviously, the Tuesday after This Tuesday would be NextTuesday.  You’d be surprised how many arguments can be wrung out of this (well, if you’re in a relationship, maybe you wouldn’t be surprised.)

Another thing we have trouble with is the light situation.  I prefer to leave the light on in a room if I know that I will be returning shortly.  My husband is of the theory that all lights must be off the instant you leave a room.  We also spend an inordinate amount of time discussing the pros and cons of this.

The one thing we disagree on, yet don’t argue about, is cleaning house.  I’ve admitted here before that I will happily leave the dust bunnies piling up while I busily color code my closet, something my husband cannot understand.  But, to his credit, he never mentions the level of dirt we live in.

Last Friday, as I took my last pair of clean socks from my well-organized drawer I had to admit that it was time to do laundry and maybe clean the house too.  Have I made it clear?  I don’t like to do laundry or clean house.  So I was a little bit cranky already.

I sorted the half-ton of laundry and as I walked by my husband with the first load in my hands, he looked up hopefully.

“What are you doing today?” he asked.

“I’m going to wash some clothes,” I growled.

“That seems an odd thing to do,” he replied.

What the?  I went from zero to furious in 1.2 seconds.  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, dropping the laundry basket on the floor.  “Are you saying I don’t do the laundry enough?”  By now I have one hand on my hip and the one pointing a finger dangerously close to his face.  “Maybe I just won’t do the laundry.  What do you think of that?”

“Oh,” he said.  “Wash some clothes.  I thought you said you were going to watch some crows.”

I couldn’t argue with him  — that would be an odd thing to do.